The interesting way of counting them was to go through the list of cars I had as a teenager and young adult days and then link ladies to each of the cars. In those days we all lived at home till we were married. Following on from my quick count I'm sure there are some skeletons I've managed to obscure from my memory , I've averaged about 1. Most of those guys I was in a relationship with. When I am in a relationship I am quite greedy with sex - at least 2 times per day that I see them.
That doesn't take into account the early thank-god-we're-having-amazing-sex honeymoon period. That said - I haven't been in a relationship for about a year, and while there have been some rainshowers, I still classify myself in a drought. What an interesting topic, I think the majority of people don't tell the truth about how many partners they have had? Personally I have had approx 50 and am just about to hit 30 and don't have any regrets just fun memories. PS I would like to say ROMEO you sound like an uneducated creep and after your comments I wouldn't be surprised if your number ever increased past 34 if this is your attitude to women, run a train through them?
Girls run from guys who have such narrow minded opinions, good luck out there mate you'll need it. I am mid forties oooh! Married for 18 years, too young, poor choice, gross mismatch etc avg 3 times a week mundane sex.
As a divorcee, the partners tally went up, times a year went down, mostly but not all charming so quality went up, a few too much of an age gap for long term but great experience for both of us short term. In stable relationship 6 years now, tally retired, 3 times a week, sometimes much more, sometimes a bit less, always lovely, my prince found me when I wasn't looking. Katherine, May I suggest you get yourself a proper job.
Your hand is obviously where it should not be for too long each day. How about turning it, instead, to a honest day's work. I think people need to be a touch more adventurous!! I am recently married, 30 and have a small tally of about There are a few one nighters in there and I wish they went on for longer.
At the moment, about times a week which we are both happy with. Sometimes it is times a day if we haven't done it for a few days. Regular blogger but not quite game to reveal name on this one - some may guess.
Congrats to tose who have revealed under their usual blog name Degrassi, Ali, and others Haven't spotted your undercover numbers yet CK - perhaps I am a bit slow!! Will contribute numbers so you can all feel OK 50 years old male, 2 partners, both long term relationships.
Sex times per year in last years of year marriage. Sex 2 times in last 4 years of current relationship. I am certainly uncommon in this group but if you read the work of many counsellors, etc Bettina Arndt has been mentioned a couple of times on this blog and she talks of many relationships with these sort of numbers I am not that uncommon in the big real world.
Quality very enjoyable in both relationhips at least as far as I can remember??!! I gave up being frustrated by it quite some time ago. Have had total of 4 sexual partners during my lifetime, settled down with my partner now number 4 and have sex on average 3 times a week which is a decrease from around a year ago.
Im 35 and i have sleept with women from 19 different countries, i like to call these 'flags'. The number is mainly due to living overseas for many years and in a number of different countries. The number of sexual partners i have had at a guess would be in excess of , im am still single and would like to keep it that way. I think you will find that most of those who have travelled will have good numbers, those who have never travelled out of their own post code or go to asia for 2 weeks once a year will have a much lower count.
I do not advertise my numbers, i think it would turn a lot of women off however, deep down they really want someone with a bit of experience. Personally i would not like to know my future wifes numbers but i will always maintain, get em young an train em. To answer your question, CityKat: Based on figures such as the ones published on this blog I have been in drought my whole life.
My work was in the local paper every day and my head was on television on weekends, but that seemed to be more of a hinderance than a help in that sphincter of a provincial city. It was not for want of trying on my part, but the only time that any girl would speak to me outside of work was to tell me to 'piss off'.
I am 51 now and the field of dreams turned into the sands of the desert long ago. Once one learns to give up hope, then acceptance becomes easier.
As I have grown older an odd transformation has occurred. Young women seem to be drawn to me as a sort of father figure, upon whom they can unburden themselves.
Three decades ago, their counterparts would not be seen in the same room with me. Funny how things change. Now I content myself with karate, the study of philosophy and history and my cats.
My batting average for the past eight years has been 0: As I said earlier, such is life. Someone has to draw the short straw, so it might as well be me. Oh Wodensvolk, your post makes me feel sad: If it's any consolation, I'm an agony aunt too like you, I don't seek it, but it just happens But, if you gave up hope 8 years ago, that would of made you only 43 - that is still a prime age - even at 51 you can still find someone special I'm sure - chin up.
This real estate lady I went through once, was 56, and she'd given up all hope of ever finding love again, but during my contract, a guy took fancy to her, they married, and are still together 9 years later totally in-love we keep in touch here and there. I used to think I was just a normal aussie bloke, apparently I'm in the top scorers having cracked my century last year at age of My stats first - 55 years old, had the same woman for 34 years, and she was my first sex partner.
I'm still scoring once a week, sometimes twice. This blog has made me think about the run rate and how it has changed over the years. You root like rabbits in the early years, then the kids come along and that dampens it. The time pressures of raising a family does take its toll, and when you feel like a shag there is always a kid hanging around.
Then when the kids leave home and things start to look up, the menopause bomb goes off. Is it any wonder old farts like me drag the average score down? I suppose I should be happy with what I get. I have topped up the numbers by buying one occasionally, but in most cases she wasn't as good as the one I have at home.
You mean people actually keep score? I honestly have NFI. About twice a week is probably the norm, when my partner is around, which hasn't been a given over the past couple of years. Do fat people simply miss out: She got real fat. All the locals said it was because she got no sex.
Which makes me bogle at Degrassi. One real fit lady.!! Knows what she wants, and gets it. Which brings to, There are so many chicks out there into sex in a big way. And guys wanting it. What is their problem.?????????
What is even more amazing is the people who actualy count sexual turns. I couldn't even hazard a guess, nor care to. I'm nothing special, just average Joe. I don't recall ever going out looking for sex.
And for some reason the ladies were doing the wanting. Do remember my first tho, you do that. I didn't know what she was on about. But she did,, and she was having it. Met her again many years later, and she wasn't into mucking around. She wanted, and she was going to have it. CK, be way happy. Bit of a waste of time really. Around 45, very very good and way unsatiable. And they get better and more demanding. They want, and they are going to get it. Just kill a few more years, then life just gets better.
The hormones, or something, really kick in. If you're still missing out,, mb change your deoderant,, or something. It's all out there, abundantly. Definately not into promiscuous singledom.
Done the marriage, and a few very serious long term relationships. The relationships were very good. With one, we later even hooked for another turn. But at no time was a schedule posted, nor a score sheet kept. Never could figure why people fear this dreaded Be the pits to go back to that.
Life just keeps getting better. Patricia you have spent way too much time in the indoctrination machine. University graduate are you? Anything else is,therefore, abnormal.
Queers do not like to face the fact that their sexual preference is an abnormal, but the facts are what they are. Dave - I'm in a drought right now, so I replace sex with exercise. I think I'm actually fitter now than when I was hooked up with someone. I am at once horrified and amazed at the stats you just rolled out, coupled with the fact that you have worked at least some or a lot of your life in the adult industry. I just assumed everyone shagged one another within the industry. Must be different when I grew up in England.
I reckon I was well past the average before I left high school. I must be in the minority Not for lack of trying, but happily married. As for frequency please see the aformentioned statement I do get worried about some of the numbers being bandied about I don't have a huge basis for comparison but my wife left others waaaay behind in the bed stakes The assumption that the adult industry is a rolling bonkfest is a pretty common misconception, so you can be forgiven.
The talent are there to screw each other for money, not to shag the old guy sitting in the deck chair behind the cameras.
I have to also confess that not for a moment was I turned on by anything I saw happening in front of me. I was too busy worrying about lighting, sound, camera angles and revving up the enthusiasm of the talent to have the time to derive any voyeuristic pleasure.
One of the rules of the professionals in the industry is that you do not shag the talent. Even if they make an unsolicited offer, you still do not do it. Favours are expected later and that is bad for business in every way. The girls always felt comfortable with me because they knew that I was not trying to screw them. Had I tried, there would have been a barrier and the usual mind games. I have not actually participated in any of it. My own tastes are fairly straight up and down.
I just want someone to love and hold and make love with. Kharma, however, has decided otherwise. Happily married for 5 years and still some quality lovemaking 3 times a week, or sometimes 3 a day Wodensvolk, if it was sex you were after you sure chose the wrong profession.
If it's sex you're after, you should have been a lawyer. Hi Degrassi, Actually, I am a boring old newspaper journalist. I spent most of my career working for Darth Murdoch. The adult industry thing was an option of last resort because it was the only job I could get at the time. I discovered that there are no jobs for 40 plus journos who have a wealth of experience and are really good at their jobs.
Proprietors want to hire kids who cannot do the job, but are so desperate for a start that they will work for almost nothing and allow themselves to be bullied into doing all manner of unethical and even illegal things. It was stick mags or the soup kitchen. JJ, have to go with CK on that. Quantity doesn't make for security, or anything else. Theres a lot of sex on offer out there, and honestly, much of, be better get a good nights sleep.
If you don't enjoy, for whatever reason, it's a non event. Is why I remember many of the girls I've known, their names, and have no idea how many times I've had sex. Was never the date, just a part of, or not. Just one step further than kiss and cuddle, which did not always happen. All between two stuff.
Simply not a world event. Is why I'm amazed people can throw up scores. Especialy when they are larger than 5. Am sure many would envy you 5 years and 3 times a week. Many don't even want to be still married, least anything else. Guess in your case, lol means lots of love. Sure most of us have sex main menu dates. And am sure many main courses get turned down.
But usualy you can tell pretty much as soon as you see someone whether its a goer or not. Stay with the quality lovemaking. The not good ones, you forget them, certainly not chalk them up. And whatever you do, don't ever tell them the real reason it's not on. Better, take long steps, and plenty of them. The magic number for me is Ive been single for about 18months now and in that time probably 20 times a year.
When i was with my latest ex for about 2 years i would say times a year. I read the durex survey results.. I dont believe those results for a second. I live in Norway now and I can say for sure that Norwegians and Swedes are lying for sure. These people sleep around like crazy.
I have no frickin' idea how many partners or times a year. It surprises me that so many of you do! Why is it so important? To me it kind of shows a prudish attitude to sexuality if you keep count. Just enjoy the moment and forget about the notches on the bed post you clowns!
In reply to your response, i am happy with my life, but it still wouldn't hurt to actually have the guts to go up to someone i take a fancy to. I'm happy enough not to bother sleeping around prefer it, haven't had as enjoyable experiences outside of relationships and would prefer the quality rather than quantity , but it'd be nice to find a girl to have that relationship, but alas, it seems most girls my age are still chasing the hot assholes rather than looking for the long term.
It's not generally my policy to say anything to other bloggers certainly not in a negative way but to the few people that have said that the topics in this blog have been in the gutter If you open something that says it's about 'sex, love and relationships', it probably will be talking about the former occasionally Sorry, i just don't really understand the notion of criticising someone for doing their job when you have the clear choice not to read it.
I am 25, turning 26 soon, female. I started when I was 16 so that is nearly ten years. In this time, I have slept with 18 men. In these ten years, I have been involved two long term relationships for a total time of nearly 6 years out of the ten. Of these 18 men, four were actual relationships i.
About 6 were men I were seeing or dating for a short time, and then the rest were pretty much one nighters but mostly with people I knew, friends or people I had seen a couple of times but only had sex once. Three of these men were real one nighters, i.
And CK, did you actually post yours? Some months, it can be times, others it can be once, based on how busy we both are with uni and work and who is at our houses. At the moment, I would say probably about times per year. Another interesting topic might be the age at which people lose their virginity. I lost mine 3 weeks before my 18th birthday. I'm 22, I've had 9 partners in total, looking at up to times a year. Not ashamed, nor bashful, if you enjoy it, why not.
I'm 22,I lost my virginity when I was 17 and a half. I've had 9 partners in total, looking at up to times a year. Something which doesn't seem to come up though is the conection between the promiscuity of some people and the rise of case numbers of certain sti's like chlamydia. If an average of one in eight has an sti, then alot of people might have come accross people with them and not even known, eg dark, drunk, no symptoms, unaware etc.
Alot of people have casual sex without condoms and as for oral sex that's different again. Most people only associate condoms for pregnancy prevention and genital to genital sti's. My guess for CK Missy May 22, Do I get a prize? Keep up the good work! No other post seems to fit. Hope you get a prize, although as I have not posted John numbers I can't blame CK if she keeps hers anonymous.
CK, Just read your blog. Sorry, I lost count of the numbers sometime in my early 30's I feel reasonably confident that it's less than 4 digits, thought. I do have a thought on some other topics for your blog - what about "How many in one day" or "How many at the same time". For my money, far more interesting subjects than boring old "How many"!
I am a law graduate. More of an equalist. As for abnormality, you obviously haven't heard of Dr Kinsey, nor his studies. Look him up will you? It might illuminate to you why you're still single And regarding my tally That was the tally in It's gone up since then Regarding your homophobia Wondensfolk, it now no longer represents everyone's way of looking at the world.
I've been thinking about the non-tally - the one you wanted but never got - maybe the attraction was not mutual or maybe the right two people but wrong place or time in life. That one or two may well have been happily traded for some of the dozens some seem to have in their tally. If analysing my life for example, I can definitely relate to the 'wrong time' issue you have raised.
Stages in life are an interesting thing - would of been nice to have the wisdom of the somethings in the somethings, and I'm sure I'll be saying the same when applying my 40s to my 30s. But then again, sometimes naivity is bliss too: It's rare that the experiences and opinions of a wide and varied group of people can be discussed about topics that affect us all - about sex, love and relationships.
SO thanks again to everyone contributing and to those who may read but haven't written, I encourage you to make your voice heard! Hope you all are getting regular STI checks I doubt it. Chlamydia infections are on a steep rise for those aged Apart from that, things here in Perth are fairly slow.
I mean I'd be hard pressed to find anyone under 23 in double digits yet save a few special people. I prob need some new friends! Enter the numbers you see on the left. Bringing what happens in the bedroom out into the pixellated glare of cyberspace, Katherine "CityKat" Feeney will tell you everything you need to know about sex, love and relationships.
In this fast-paced go-go world of ours some issues are too important to be left to the ham-fisted, half-arsed witless hysterics of so-called web journalism.
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He'll let you be the judge The Magic Spray is a Monday sports column that affronts your senses like Dencorub to the groin. Like its real-life counterpart that's cured countless corked thighs, it may leave you feeling slightly numb, dulling the pain of another working week. Mother, wife, housekeeper and family diplomat Heidi Davoren does a lot of laundry. She can peg a line full of undies quicker than George Bush can duck a flying shoe. For those of you who battle the mundane and ridiculous on a daily basis — school fees, preservatives, family budgets, soiled pants and banana stains — gorge on guilt-free parenting advice here.
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It's the blog that tackles the serious issues that impact on the lives of Queenslanders. We'll take on the bureaucracy; question and challenge the decision makers; put pressure on the movers and shakers and stick up for the little guy.
Babes in Business are Brisbane women that stand out in a crowd. Not only are they business owners, entrepreneurs, movers and shakers, they are wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters and daughters. They'll give working women throughout the city the best tips on striking the balance between work and home life. Think you know your tech? Your spooky Japanese luvbots? Your First Person Shooters? Your reimagined crap s sci-fi cult TV shows? Your Area 51 conspiracies? Your really great bad movies adapted from really bad but once great game franchises?
John Birmingham shoots his superior nerdly mojo all over you in The Geek. Sam de Brito has spent more than a decade writing for TV, film and newspapers. Sigh, that was the end of that I did not have true feelings for him and couldn't continue knowing that. Shame, it was fantastic! Most are just friend friends.
Some you develop close friendships - and, well, the drama, timidity, conceptions of youth are for the youth. Without the hunt, open honest friendships happen, sex likes and interests often become a topic, and a happening. Which are often more adventurous than in the younger.
Life is for enjoy. There is no shame, nor need for embaracement for enjoying sex. It is a natural human emotion. To enjoy it, want it, well, because you do.
Agree, under 40's, friendships can and do go sour. Over 40 you've often settled into your life, as you like it. None of my close friends have any qualms at anytime saying they want! Or simply going for it. A quick question if I may. What is the most important factor here, sex, companionship, company, any thing else become a relationship of sorts. I think things like companionship and company are relationships of sorts - there are feelings involved with these - if not, then that person should see a therapist.
I recall reeling ripped off when a friend of a friend just wanted to dance and pash me one night. Not because we didn't end up having sex but because I felt like I was only good for the moment. It was really a strange sensation of being used. Friends with benefits is not a place I ever want to be. Seems much like an extension of the one-nighter for mine.
I have enjoyed many of the comments under this topic. I find myself agreeing with SAF in three important areas I'd go further and add These are so very important in any relationship In the 12 years since my divorce, the casual sex or FWB relationships have had a lot to do with who I was, and who the lady was, at that point in our lives when we connected.
I have learned more about myself, and who I am at this point in my life during the last 6 weeks or so since a year long friendship has become much more so My interaction with this woman I'll put my faith in being flexible enough to appreciate what is happening because of each of us being who we are. To me personally, doing casual is about as far from liberating as it gets - does absolutely nothing for me. It is calender age.
Over 40 many have had the true love and bits, have no desire for another. Have developed interests and lifestyle, have no desire to have it disrupted. Only years gives you this. Humans were not designed to be alone, a close friend fits.
Of course friends are almost as close as a relationship - but with who can relax, be self, honestly, no strings or judgements. No hunt, guarded and drama. People, all people, get randy, anytime anywhere, any reason. Be dead if they didn't. Of course having sex with a friend there is an attachment. Different to a romantic one. But still an intimate knowing one. All physical is fine. Romance in the back of you mind going into it a different number.
Can guide anything into romance. With a friend, who you know as a person, interests happen that perhaps wouldn't with others. There is still a caring, which you don't get with a casual. With a friend you would normaly know if it could swing attachment.
You simply don't go there. Definately under 40's, FWB easily go sour. Many over 40's are long lasting and enjoyable. Comunication is not worth mention. They would not get to be a friend if you didn't. Those over 40's, different wants, different place in life. Only years gives it. Nothing to do with maturity. Another stimulating topic from CityKat, thoroughly look forward to each new instalment.
The mistress of intelectual foreplay I have tried the "friends with benefits," approach. I must admit it was fun but it did play with my mind. I knew this lady was looking for a relationship and at the time so was I, but we where unsuited to each other. My thoughts were always, "am I holding her back from finding what she really wants?
Neither of us wanted anything more from each other except to scratch the itch, but we did develop a concern over our actions. I find sex with emotional attachment so much better than without it. However now that I am not keen on a relationship just now been there too recently times, got the scars to prove it it might be the good doctor's orders. However would I still think "I'm holding this lady back?
I don't think it can ever last for long as usually someone will get a bit too attached. I don't think that such people can really be good friends - it is better if there is very minimal emotional connection Personally most of the people I have been with I considered to just be F'Buddies but realised later that they thought differntly and probably didn't feel too fantastic when I blissfully bounded onto the next guy that took my fancy never more than one guy on the go at a time.
I suspect for men the attitude that women just after a bit of fun with none of the emotional and needy crap that can come with relationships for some people anyway can make the woman seem very irresitable and like the perfect woman - so they can tend to get hooked and the possibly hurt.
Well CK I have bad news for your friends. Someone always seems to get over attached in the end and it turns out messy and painful for both of you. Not what you were looking for. Though if your friends are looking short term, like 2 to 3 encounters then go on the net. There are plenty of non sleazy places that cater to their needs. Count me out when it comes to casual sex with friends I will excuse drunk and in the party mood - as long as it's just once.
You can never look at your friend in exactly the same way again, and I would rather leave things as they are. Casual sex with people you don't know - now that's a different thing altogether. That's something we could do freely nowadays, if we wanted. However, not everything is equal. Still a man sets off into town on a Friday evening thinking "I hope I can get laid tonight. Anyone would do, provided they are not completely diseased or falling to bits.
She gets all dressed up for hunting, and then sits around and waits to be snared. Anyone will do, provided he is not too old, too young, too fat, too tall, too short, blonde, dark, simple, sophisticated, etc etc. In short, it's not a matter of 'just anyone'. There are very detailed but unspoken selection criteria, and why not? In practice we are back at the start of the old mating game, with men courting women. It was never easy for either side but now there is a wild card on the table.
Frequent easy and unfettered sex is quickly available every night - from other men. I often wonder if this convergence of desire drives much of the gay scene It is amazing simple, not at all complicated. There are friends, and there are aquantances. And pickups who are not even neither. Friends are normaly for a long time, and usualy you share common interests. People you feel comfortable, relaxed with. Sometimes, but not always, share sexual interests. Sometimes it goes beyond talking, or not.
Casual sex, a bit empty and devoid. I would not describe my friends like that. That to have no empathy with your friends. Sure, you can have friends that started off on a sexual basis.
Perhaps where the years, maturity irrelevant, come in. No reason not to have friends. And with friends you have a closish intimate relationship surely. Where in the book does it say no caring closness may happen. How much short actualy is a friendship to a relationship.
I, as I know of others, have very close friendships that are not relationships. For a variety of reasons. With calender years you tend to grow out of that. Same with sex largely. No need for manipulation nor hangups. If you like someone enough to go intimately intimate, why not. If you don't, why would you. That you may feel cheap. Or you may just enjoy being with someone you enjoy being with. Sed, guess we differ again. Know her daily whos whys whats and whens as well as she does.
But very definately a casual friend. When she is not wandering the world, and we meet up, here, or there, Perth or wherever, definatly quite up from casual, even liberating. When we actualy first met, very friendly intro hug. And she never did call stop at this point. Neither actualy did I. But of course, we did break for a lot of friend stuff between. Should she ever slow down and domicile, perhaps too I slow down, and relocate.
We've even talked of traveling together. Could even be regular friends. Not too dissimilar another, could only be very close friends. And when our interests give us extended time together. We could never go relationship. She is too vicious feminazy. But likes it a lot. She is bi, lives with another woman. Perhaps, what is casual.
And how close is casual. How do you rate a friend. If you have not a friend, be a lonely life. Should they be of opposite sex, a bit of balance, an understanding.
And while women tend to be quite strange, we learn to make allowances and understanding. One should not be guilty of sexartheid. On my personal front though, I can't see the point of sleeping with my friends, because it makes it pretty hard to explain if I finally found the guy I'm hoping to meet - would it be fair on him if every friend I have knows me very intimately - to me personally this would not be fair on him - I guess I'm loyal before the fact, silly I know, but I can't help it.
Just who I am. I'm pretty baggage-free, and don't want a past that'll catch up with me eventually,and ruin what good things may transpire in my future I guess.
Maybe I've got issues therein?? Sed, do not get me wrong here. I have a pretty active life, meet a lot of diverse people, some become close friends. And the number we have sex, is few. What is your motivation for sex. Is it a motivation for everything. Know it will throw confusion, but. I know many friends very intimately, as friends do. Some even nakedly but not sexualy.
The way you talk with your friends. Love life things, and all. Quite possibly we talk very personal stuff, as no doubt you do with your girl friends. As with friends, it is between us only. The plus is the different perspective. With friends, you are not in a relationship.
There is nothing to get hung on. I know where you're coming from, true. When you get older, you hardly expect anyone to have had few sexual encounters.
Indeed, would wonder if they had few. And precisely what concern is it of yours, you weren't in it. You are in love with the person now in front of you, - Not really sure how you cheat on a partner you don't have. As you know, to make love, is something else. You know when you find it. One should have close friends of opposite sex. Gives balance and understanding. Hinders petty narrowmindedness Sex - no rules. Neither sacred nor taboo.
Value and respect friends dearly. Let me throw out a few things to think about: Is it better to commence a FWB relationship with existing friends or seek out new friends? Ageee with Jacqueline George that you could just not have the same relationship with existing friends after the fact 2. Is it acceptable to have multiple FWB at the same time? Surley the concept of casual sex must imply that it is not exclusive. Both males and femails will get emotionally involved after time, it is just how we are wired So it then brings up the question of how long do you maintain a casual sex relationship?
Where does it move from being a "fling" to a real thing? Yes I to have an arrangement of friends with benifts. I have told them that I would not like it if they were to go with some body other then me. So i gave them the option of either ending it with me or agreeing to not see other people. I have noticed also with them that if i go out they allways asked what did i do and who with, then they tag on the end of it, but it dosen't worry me.
Yea right so why are you saying it? I really think it can be done without some kind of attactment. We have been doing thid for 7 months now, i didn't think it would go that long. It can and has worked for years well atleast for me. So perhaps one must first discover the person they like to play under the covers with and focus on simply that. I have noticed over the years sex had become a routine work out when in actual fact its uncomplicated fun..
The truth of the matter here is dont take the fun out of sex and a relationship might have a chance.. Enter the numbers you see on the left. Bringing what happens in the bedroom out into the pixellated glare of cyberspace, Katherine "CityKat" Feeney will tell you everything you need to know about sex, love and relationships. In this fast-paced go-go world of ours some issues are too important to be left to the ham-fisted, half-arsed witless hysterics of so-called web journalism. But that's too bad.
Because that's all John Birmingham has. He's unfair, unreasonable and often unbalanced but in a good way. Words are weapons, and this weapon is a Blunt Instrument.
What makes this city tick? Well-versed wordsmith Rupert McCall rides the undercurrent of a passionate notion all the way to the answers. He'll let you be the judge The Magic Spray is a Monday sports column that affronts your senses like Dencorub to the groin. Like its real-life counterpart that's cured countless corked thighs, it may leave you feeling slightly numb, dulling the pain of another working week.
Mother, wife, housekeeper and family diplomat Heidi Davoren does a lot of laundry. She can peg a line full of undies quicker than George Bush can duck a flying shoe. For those of you who battle the mundane and ridiculous on a daily basis — school fees, preservatives, family budgets, soiled pants and banana stains — gorge on guilt-free parenting advice here. For those who think gossip is a dish best served scalding, there's no need to wade through the magazines or cyberspace for the grittiest pop culture news.
Because Georgia Waters has done that for you. She takes the celebrity world for the madness that it truly is. And it's enough to make a starlet choke on her silver spoon. It's the blog that tackles the serious issues that impact on the lives of Queenslanders. We'll take on the bureaucracy; question and challenge the decision makers; put pressure on the movers and shakers and stick up for the little guy. Babes in Business are Brisbane women that stand out in a crowd.
Not only are they business owners, entrepreneurs, movers and shakers, they are wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters and daughters. They'll give working women throughout the city the best tips on striking the balance between work and home life.
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His weekly column now returns online looking at travel intelligence: Every time I have one of these conversations, I can't help but get frustrated. Not so much at the friend doing the talking - rather for them. Post a comment We invite you to post comments in a number of areas on the website, including the comments sections of our blogs. When using the comments areas, you agree to be bound by our terms and conditions Leave your comment.
But never be slave or victim to them Dave May 07, Wouldn't want to go back to younger age. Nor go dabble there.
Enlightened May 07, The Aviator May 07, In each case, they've got hysterical, jealous, possessive and stalkerish. Works for a month or two at best. Names can be taken for if there is a next time I'm available to test some of these theories out. Not the start of the relationship - the start is yourself. S May 07, What utter cr p. It's not rocket science.
Why the need to over-think it? Relationships shouldn't be about any of that stuff. Dispatch with personal dignity and discretion at your peril!
DLG May 07, But there can be a bit of bud right? Peter B May 07, Carlinite May 07, Where did all the posts go? Lord Botherington-Smythe May 07, Cupcakes May 07, Perhaps if you only see a friend as a sexual being.
Wodensvolk May 07, Degrassi May 07, Mark May 07, JoJo May 07, Scarecrow May 07,...
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Many of my independent, single friends - male, female, gay, straight - bitch and moan that they can't find someone to shag with no strings attached, and they don't know what to do about it. They only really socialise with a handful of people, aren't interested in work-place affairs and hold nothing but a been-there, done-that contempt for the random, one-night-stand approach to sexual satisfaction.
Women seem particularly pissed off - "I thought most men were like me," they frown, perplexed. One close girlfriend of mine is often fond of pointing out how lame-duck and emasculated most modern men she meets are, blaming a generation of SNAGS and Metrosexuals for a dearth in 'reasonable' guys with a 'reasonable' approach to young, free, sexuality.
She's no man-eater, cougar or Sex and the City style devour-and-conquer sort either - nor does she have any hang-ups about love and romance based on deep-seated daddy issues. Which, I counsel, may be why a lot of lads are keen to snap her up and lock her down - so rare do they believe her breed of sexually confident young ladies to be that it's better to have and to hold on forever than risk losing out to another bloke boys, always so competitive!
Of course a couple of my male friends are just as bad Largely because I believe most sensible people who may be uncomfortable following the conventional boy-meets-girl approach still feel it's better to conform and complain than try and change. And a lot of this is because open, sensible discussion about sex and sexual relationship is often kiboshed by embarrassment and stymied by awkwardness - if it happens at all. So enough people, enough. This is a forum where you can express how you feel without having to put your face or your name to your opinion.
And I'm always impressed with the honesty. What a wonderful world if we carried on the conversation beyond the blogosphere? Took the CK spirit with us to the pub, pool party, social, school But for now, I want to know: Are you interested in casual sex? Have you ever been? What happens, what works and how should my miserable friends go about finding happiness?
We invite you to post comments in a number of areas on the website, including the comments sections of our blogs. When using the comments areas, you agree to be bound by our terms and conditions. As a male I have found that there is no such thing as friends with sexual activity when you want it. Dont get me wrong, ive been friends with all of my partners, but the sex part seems to give the women an attitude of "im in control".
There is a deeper feeling or bond between you both. Total control is impossible! The day we fundamentally flawed human folk realise this is the true day of reckoning. Personally I don't think it can work. And I speak from personal experience from what's currently happening in my own life. While I've been saying casual is fine, and I don't want a relationship, I know I would feel sick if he slept with someone else.
And he has been caught out by his own jealously when he thinks someone has been interested in me or I've been on a date. Friends with benefits is, I think, just a ticket to still have the freedom to hook up with anyone else you like because you've made that arrangement, the other person has no right to be jealous right? In that sense, it's selfish and dare I say it..
This is just my opinion, and I acknowledge others male and female will say they would have no problem with who their casual sleeps with, aside from them. I just have my doubts. It's an age thing. Only stacking up the years fixes it. About your years, commitment is the go. Into the 40's on, friends with benefits is not uncommon. Even likes and interests develop, so if you get a socialising call, you know the menu.
Or call who is your inclination. It gets good because the need impress is outgrown. Good understanding friends is what it's about. Freedom often cherished, and respected. Friends of maturity and inner security are good. Selfcentred attitudes are rare. I agree with your friend who says women just can't do it. In my experience the girl always ends up trotting out the old line of "feeling like a whore" because all the guy wants is sex, even when that was all she wanted to begin with.
Either that or girls agree to casual sex because they think it will lead to more and when it doesn't, they get cut. There has been a schism between what women are encouraged to want and how they may actually feel true- but time, will and dedication an enlightened human make Oh Kat you speak words of such depth and wisdom.
Come to think of it your wisdom is so rare I immediately feel a desire to marry you and make you mine forever. That's just what you said wasn't it?
Every time I've supposedly been in one of these type of relationships, it's ended up that the female party in question has ended up being unable to deal with the agreed boundaries being the be-all and end-all of the relationship. The more up themselves male would be thinking it's because "I'm just too good in the sack, they can't give me up" but I think there is more to it than whatever talents I may or may not possess If you meet someone with the purposes of sex, and try and keep it that way then there are socially and biologically conditioned responses that will be working against you.
However, if it's something you've already tried and failed, then these probably have less of an impact to your psyche. I think also the way you approach it is important too. It's not like it's been a plan of mine to go and create a string of manipulatable and disposable females, so that I have a pool of available talent at my beck and call either. Every case has been "I like you but this won't work out long term because of XXXX, so let's keep it casual".
I think for this to work, you have to be friends first, possibly works best for ex partners. Be clear on what YOU want so there are no misunderstandings I will concede that yes, there are some that form that emotional bond with the bloke. While I'm not saying they shouldn't have random encounters, maybe they shouldn't have a regular 'friends with benefits' arrangement, to avoid that attachment?
I guess this would only work if the person in question recognises they form these attachments in the first place. In my experience, finding a 'friend with benefits' isn't that hard. There wasn't a talked about agreement; meeting up or 'bumping into each other' seemed to happen more often, one thing lead to another, and there you go. Both of us were well aware that's all it was, and all it was ever going to be.
You're right in terms of over analysis stuffing up screwing. But a good deal of thought ought be involved in the process in general - at least in terms of determining your own perspective.
I think that Cleo is very right, in that the person who proposes it is usually one who isn't happy with what they've got and is on the prowl for an upgrade It's a control thing - "I can sleep with whomever I want" but woe betide any partner who uses the same rules to their own advantage, because that's not really the game being offered.
I know I've discussed this topic and what makes dominant partners try and enforce it on their other halves before many times here on CK. Even in the rare cases where it is and it is supposedly a truly "open" arrangment you get some pretty icky situations.
I remember in one case some phonecalls where the partners she'd had one the side were discussed along with their failings and how they weren't anywhere near as good , along with the "see you friday night - I havent got the kids this weekend".
Some dirty discussion on what we'd get up to followed she was very enthusiastic. It's a pretty icky feeling, both the discussion about other partners, and the psychological assessment of "what's this phonecall really about - is it to build her self esteem, to see if I get jealous, to see if I'm gonna dump her and tell her to chase the other guy because I'm no longer interested".
If you want to have a FWB arrangement, please don't try and discuss who's also getting a piece of the fur pie.
When there's someone else, just say - need to put a hold to the arrangment - will let you know if it works out or not.
Do not hang out, meet for coffee, or any of the other millions things that friends do, unless you're well adapted at compartmentalising your emotions. Most people arent, myself included. If you think you might get attached or jealous or whatever, make sure the arrangement is on a short term basis. Can we please have a story sans "sans"? It was cute when it was used rarely. As for finding a FWB, it's probably hard to get because most people actually prefer to be in a deeper relationship of some description and those that aren't by and large want to be.
Those that are left are usually players - one night only types. How exactly do you screen prospective suitors to achieve the said objective? Seems highly unnatural to me. I've had three attempts at beginning a casual sex relationship with a female friend and on all three occasions we had to call it off after 2 or 3 encounters due emotional complications. My theory is; there's always an emotional and power imbalance in any relationship romantic or otherwise and when combined with the murky waters of a casual sex affair you're bound to run aground of a reef or two!
Started seeing someone but after a month decided it wasn't going anywhere. Broke up and thought that was that - for about half an hour until she jumped me! I think it worked so well because we'd already been down the relationship road and decided it was a dead end, yet still liked both a shag and each other. The other night she says she wants a Friend With Benefits. Unfortunately for the F-Buddy ideal, shagging someone you like is almost always going to build a closer bond between the 2 people.
That leads to deeper emotions and eventual anger or jealousy when the 'F-Buddy Rules of Limited Attachment' start getting broken but one or even both parties are still seeing other people. I like the idea of having a FWB but am very much aware though that I would be completely incapable of actually doing it I'd eff it up because I am an emotional person and wouldn't be able to separate that from the benefits!
That you can't is rubbish. Sure it doesn't suit some. But it suits a many. Just happens, friends do what friends do, and then at some point sex happens. Or at several points. No expectations of a relationship, no more discussed other than friends would. Usualy as friends, there is much in common, including preferences and likes.
As friends do, accommodating happens. No more than, as friends do things together, discuss things, interests, including sex. There is no reason to stop at talking. Days, evenings, weekends, extended holidays, happens. As friends, with sex thrown in as inclined. Many are great friends, enjoy to be with. And some, no way in hell could I, or would I, live with them. Probably goes both ways.
My experience with the FWB experiment has been similar to that of Aviator and a couple of others who have contributed today.
Although in each case we agreed on the rules, after a short time the females wanted a romantic relationship. Some women seem to use the FWB thing as a foot in the door to a relationship with a man whom they fancy.
In each case, I had to tell them that although I liked them as people and the sex was great, they did not have the genetic material that I wanted passed on to my future children so a relationship that had marriage as the end goal was not an option. They tended to not cope well with that, with the exception of one girl who was a dog breeder who understood exactly where I was coming from. FWB is a great idea in theory to keep one's sexual urges satisfied to some degree while one is looking for the main game, but I have had to conclude that it does not work.
People are hard wired to want to bond and mate with someone. Bump or reproductive bits together and the bonding begins. That is the way that people are made. Sex outside of a romantic relationship is, at least for me, unfulfilling and little better than masturbation. Call me old fashioned, but these days I need to feel something for a woman and see her as potential long-term material before I even want to venture beneath her knickers.
Casual encounters of all kinds leave me feeling hollow, tawdry and unfulfilled. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't think it's so much to do with one gender getting too attached, it's more about the headspace you're in going in to the FWB-situation as well as how the other party treats you.
For example, if a guy pulled his pants up immediately afterwards and yelled "cheers" as he headed out the door on a date, the girl will feel not only used but also that weird "I must get him to love me" thing which causes complications. In an alternate universe, if he were to snuggle and possibly stay the night, she is far less likely to go bananas and boil his pet bunny later on down the track.
It's all about making the other party feel special not to be confused with making them feel loved which leads to all sorts of mess. FWB can definitely be done, but you have got to be respectful without leading them on, and you need to leave the requests for relationship advice to your real friends and not your FWB. Yes, it changes the course of your friendship, but it needn't end the friendship. It's a delicate little flower the FWB routine, but it can be fun and mutually fulfilling.
Being in a long-term open relationship of sorts , my partner and I have thought and talked a lot about this and similar things. It seems the 3 biggest problems for those who would be interested are prejudice, difficulty communicating and pride.
Prejudice, because many assume that people will 'always' end up getting attached. Can't blame people for thinking that because it's what we see so often, but in reality it's just a danger. And that's where communication comes in. With others, and with yourself. People talk about it being so important in relationships, but imho it's just as wildly important everywhere in life.
Talk enough, and first you'll find out that the stereotypes aren't always true. Then if you're lucky you can communicate well enough to avoid the pitfalls.
And pride, well human nature tries to make us feel uncomfortable with 'used goods', before we even start with the issue of competition and needing to be 'the best' or 'the first'. All this isn't meant to make it seem like it's easy though. So what to do?
Perhaps just time and more communication on blogs like this, hopefully. Whatever will help people open their minds and be positive. Beyond that, feel free to send interested parties this way for some communication I agree with CAppie about control.
I always thought it was a case of wanting your cake and eating it too. They wanted you there when they wanted on tap always and exclusive with no strings attached as long as you did not have a life outside of it.
So that was the control thing I think. Became to many head games for this cat. Why is it that when sex becomes part of the friendship the doubts can creep in? No communication is my only guess.
I'm not a great looking guy, I'm not an athlete and nor am I tall etc but I have had a fair share of these friendships and am still friends with these women even though they found forever love. But one thing I did discover, is that I'm a very good and loyal friend and I'm a communicator. I love good friendships and I love honest communication and I love sex and I love a female friend who loves sex. In all of the so called 'friends with benefits' I've shared, perhaps, the honesty is there because we've shared the same values.
Honesty to yourself is a great start, honesty to your friend s is a must and an acceptance that If we treat sex with the respect it deserves, not make it some higher order than it is, talk openly and if it leads to the physical friendship KEEP the honesty going.
It's wonderful because, after all, you are friends anyway but now share physical pleasure. I lost the love of my life when she was killed in a car accident nearly two years ago. Good luck everyone and just be open and stay open. I wonder if this is what a lot of affairs are about? Looking outside the box of societies expectations of marriage and problems related to spousal dissatifaction. In an affair there are boundaries. And as long as you don't get caught, you have a casual partner that fulfils several relationship needs sex, companionship, etc.
You both know there are others involved but accept this as part of the pay off. Now to the topic at hand. I have done the friends with benefits thing a few times and like a few of my learned friends, it has not ended up well. In fact one became so attached to me that she went full-blown bunny-boiler on me when I started seeing someone else "seriously", despite the fact that we had laid and repeated the ground-rules from the start.
I'd love to have a FWB right now. I am at the stage in my life where I am looking to find the person I would like to grow old with, however I am picky and just refuse to "settle". So, unless I am sure that it will only be a casual thing, I am taking my time and making sure I want to start something with someone before I jump in the sack with her. Yeah, you read right. Scarecrow has a moral or two. However the down-side is that the only action Little Scarecrow gets at the moment is from his best mate - Me.
So a FWB would really take the edge off, so to speak. But once bitten, twice shy, so I can't see that happening anytime soon. Mark, so sad to read about the death of the woman you loved. I would like to make a respectful suggestion, though. Although you are obviously still grieving the loss of your mate, you would do yourself a disservice to push away other women who might want a relationship with you. You have to move on. I realise it is a cliche, but any woman who loved you would have wanted you to move on.
In my opinion a good FWB is like a friend of a friend of a friend you see semi-regularly at parties. Ck, no one could have said it better. I am truly astonished at how hard it is to find a man who is willing to be involved with no strings.
Isn't that how the stereotype goes? I have always found that one week into it begins the constant phone calls and text messages and then the sincere hurt when their feelings are not returned.. Even when you are upfront about only wanting physical satisfaction out of your arrangement, their emotional attachment seems inevitable. People may say that 'friends with benefits' is an idealistic way of looking at casual sex, but I am a firm believer. I don't know when or with whom I will find this happiness, but I for one will definately keep searching.
It also helps to avoid attachement if there is an underlying reason as to why you wouldnt work as a couple. Can't say I've ever found myself subject to the mental complexities of friends with benefits - am quite good friends with two gents whom I have excellent intercourse with, and if they were to pair off, the friendship is such that we would still be in quite regular contact, despite the secret knowledge that I know their orgasm face, and vice versa.
This has been an interesting column. I think that the communication thing is vital. However I also think that we have to be able to admit at times that we don't quite know what we want and be able to communicate this without being made to feel we are somehow not insightful into said selves. On the other hand at times we might think we know what we want and be able to lay down ground rules but even then, with a bit of time and experience things change, various emotions emerge and surprise us.
I sometimes find it tricky to communicate with myself and work out what I really want or do I want different things at different times and some of them mutually incompatible - am I hopelessly immature that I cannot arrive at a complete state of self knowledge.
Given this flexible sense of self keeping others up to speed with who or what I am is a challenge. Sometimes I think all I can do is be as truthful as I can and others simply have to take their chances.
Most people find honesty tricky - confronting truth can be hard - particularly when you're trying to be honest with yourself. But if we can't be true to who we are, what we want, what hope have we in love, sex, life, whatever? I think us chicks will go with the FWB routine, because if you can't have them all, have them a little then ey?
Aside from all that. I need to trust and have serious passion for the person I'm bonking, good looks doesn't cut it for me.
So who wants to be my FWB 32, strong built male with good typing skills who is so detached from reality that I make a good FWB as I have no real connection with anything apart from myself. I've tried the eff-buddy situation a couple of times - both times failed. One time was my fault - I got attached. The other time, I guess was my fault as well - he got attached. Granted, this all happened when I was much younger, but I think, in order for a friend-with-benefits thing to work: I had a FWB relationship for about a year, it was at least once weekly and we were very close friends - however one evening he told me he was falling in love.
Sigh, that was the end of that I did not have true feelings for him and couldn't continue knowing that. Shame, it was fantastic!
Most are just friend friends. Some you develop close friendships - and, well, the drama, timidity, conceptions of youth are for the youth. Without the hunt, open honest friendships happen, sex likes and interests often become a topic, and a happening. Which are often more adventurous than in the younger. Life is for enjoy. There is no shame, nor need for embaracement for enjoying sex.
It is a natural human emotion. To enjoy it, want it, well, because you do. Agree, under 40's, friendships can and do go sour. Over 40 you've often settled into your life, as you like it. None of my close friends have any qualms at anytime saying they want!
Or simply going for it. A quick question if I may. What is the most important factor here, sex, companionship, company, any thing else become a relationship of sorts. I think things like companionship and company are relationships of sorts - there are feelings involved with these - if not, then that person should see a therapist.
I recall reeling ripped off when a friend of a friend just wanted to dance and pash me one night. Not because we didn't end up having sex but because I felt like I was only good for the moment. It was really a strange sensation of being used. Friends with benefits is not a place I ever want to be. Seems much like an extension of the one-nighter for mine. I have enjoyed many of the comments under this topic. I find myself agreeing with SAF in three important areas I'd go further and add These are so very important in any relationship In the 12 years since my divorce, the casual sex or FWB relationships have had a lot to do with who I was, and who the lady was, at that point in our lives when we connected.
I have learned more about myself, and who I am at this point in my life during the last 6 weeks or so since a year long friendship has become much more so My interaction with this woman I'll put my faith in being flexible enough to appreciate what is happening because of each of us being who we are. To me personally, doing casual is about as far from liberating as it gets - does absolutely nothing for me.
It is calender age. Over 40 many have had the true love and bits, have no desire for another. Have developed interests and lifestyle, have no desire to have it disrupted. Only years gives you this. Humans were not designed to be alone, a close friend fits. Of course friends are almost as close as a relationship - but with who can relax, be self, honestly, no strings or judgements. No hunt, guarded and drama.
People, all people, get randy, anytime anywhere, any reason. Be dead if they didn't. Of course having sex with a friend there is an attachment.
Different to a romantic one. But still an intimate knowing one. All physical is fine. Romance in the back of you mind going into it a different number. Can guide anything into romance. With a friend, who you know as a person, interests happen that perhaps wouldn't with others. There is still a caring, which you don't get with a casual.
With a friend you would normaly know if it could swing attachment. You simply don't go there. Definately under 40's, FWB easily go sour. Many over 40's are long lasting and enjoyable. Brisbane Australia Highest education received: Some college not currently in college …. Australia Highest education received: Some college not currently in college Occupation: Brisbane Highest education received: Not graduated from high-schoolOccupation: Some college currently in college Occupation: Canberra, AustraliaHighest education received: Adelaide, AustraliaHighest education received: Some college not currently in college Relationship status: College currently in college Occupation: SingleHow religious are you?
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