And as Russell's book shows, there are plenty of other less serious types to be aware of too. His book is based on the ads he placed. Joke ads, that is.
He started posting fake ads for fun dryer lint for sale, etc. The book contains the 29 best ads chosen based on a variety of criteria along with the long response exchanges that followed each. Though few are as good as the comments after a Savage Love column, they're pretty revealing about the possibilities that are out there.
As the exchanges show, there are antisocial people who choose this medium rather than one where they can interact more meaningfully with other people. People wanting interactions where the normal rules governing human interaction -- i. Friends who are single tell me they post on Craigslist when they're willing to wade through the weirdos to find someone to have casual sex with.
People I've met -- not friends -- who want a perfect partner bot to match their perfect lifestyle post on sites like Beautiful People. As one single, dating friend told me in an email, "It's a sliding scale from Craigslist to real life encounters Really, at the heart of this is the idea that the Internet is the playground of the id, in Freudian terms, because it allows you to act anonymously.
Whereas real life is moderated by the super ego, which forces you to act in ways that are good for the cohesive whole i. The responses to the fake ads which seem real show a vast range of people with or without kinks genuinely seeking specific encounters. But they also reveal a range of people your mother warned you about, and more than enough reasons to make sure people know where you're going before you meet one of them for sex.
But Russell's book reveals one other type of Craigslist character to be aware of: When subscribing to a newsletter edition you'll also get early notice on Tyee events, news, promotions, partner messages and special initiatives. Further to the provision of the Personal Information Protection Act, personal information is kept confidential by TheTyee.
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ReginaRey June 19, , 9: Your husband has approximately 0 respect for you and your marriage. Have you ever read any entries there? Buck up and leave your husband to pursue as many casual encounters as his heart desires. Different strokes for different folks. The problem with the letters that wendy has been getting pertaining craigslist have all been from people in relationships. I respect your ability to be non-judgy about the casual encounters section. People wanting to come blow you during lunch.
I mean, I agree that people can do it if they want to. ReginaRey June 19, , CatsMeow June 19, , I consider myself fairly sane, stable, and intelligent. I could be wrong about myself of course, but my life is pretty good. And I have posted on Casual Encounters when I was single and a little younger. I was pretty choosy about who I met up with, and was pretty careful about it. I just wanted to sleep with some random strangers. RR, people use ALL kinds of sites to look for casual sex encounters.
WAY more people do it than you might imagine. Even intelligent and stable ones. I think most of them are geared toward men who have sex with men Grindr, Growlr, Scruff. And I totally respect your honesty RR. Because I feel the same way. Those sorts of ads kinda scare me as well. Give me the willies, if you will. I will judge the heck out of people that are into blumpkins.
I really just will. You have a great point. Creeped out is just my gut reaction to Craigs list ads. I try very hard not to be judgy, too. Honestly, yes, I will judge people who go home from bars with strangers.
I mean, if blumpkins are your thing New word of the day! I will respect your right to be into them, and I will respect your right to experience them whenever you can. Its just that, a kink. RR not sure if you re-read this comment, but to me it came across as victim shaming. I think its the rapists fault, even if a girl went home with a guy she met at the bar.
Plus I mean, most rapes are done by partners. Fabelle June 19, , 1: June 19, , 1: No woman deserves to be raped. While it is true that the rapist is the one who makes the decision to be a rapist, I do not think it is smart to deliberately, consciously put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation without taking appropriate precautions. If you play with fire, you must consider the possibility that you will get burned. To do otherwise is foolish. You cannot control the actions of others, but you can do your best to protect yourself and not be a victim.
Rapists are the only ones who can prevent rape. Yes, I know its less scary to think that so and so was raped because she did this. I insert Italics would n ever be so dumb. Therefore I am safe. Its a false security. Brad—by making the consequences harsh and obvious. Rapists who rape family members know the chances of being reported are minuscule. And men who rape drunk women know society will put equal blame on her and are less likely to follow up. I think thats the first step to a better world.
Brad — maybe actually hold them accountable and punish them for it. June 19, , 2: I think we are all in agreement that rape is not okay. I do know that victim-blaming does exist and it does need to change. Until it does, be as safe as you can. I agree the consequences should be stiffer, but you have to be very careful when lowering the burden of proof. The example you raise about shaming a woman and calling her a liar because she had too much to drink is a good one.
That hurts legitimate rape victims just as much as slut shaming. At the end of the day, there are bad men out there that will take advantage of women. And as women its up to us to protect ourselves from shady situations. June 19, , 4: They turned out to be about someone being dissatified with the way a relationship ended and wanting revenge. This really trivializes real rape cases.
Leroy June 19, , 2: Honestly you guys are the ones imputing blame, not Regina. Budj June 19, , 2: Fabelle June 19, , 3: Do you also blame the college girl who is watching a movie with a male-friend of hers who gets raped? In these cases, they have carefully cultivated ther relationships with the women so that the women feel safe. In the case of the pedophile uncle or the male friend, this process has been going on for a while. Are the women still victims? Is it their fault? All I am saying is that women should do their best to keep themselves safe and, in my opinion, this includes not picking up men in bars.
GatorGirl June 19, , 4: My little sister is going off to college this fall and I made sure to tell her about things like using the buddy system, not going home with strange men, drinking a glass of water with every liquor drink. And until that memo goes out, I will not be picking up any men in bars. Savannah June 19, , 1: A great way to get raped is to be near a rapist-thats actually pretty much the only way to get raped.
Nina June 19, , 1: Rapists come in all stripes and are good at camouflage. Are you willing to risk your life on your ability to spot one? Also, if we want to use your logic to be applied to another situation, that is also blaming a woman who stays with a partner who has hit her. Kristina June 19, , 8: That is victim blaming. Lili June 19, , 8: But Katie, who decides that arbitrarily going home with a stranger is dangerous for a particular woman? Also, can we please agree that the majority of crimes including rape and murder are committed by someone the victim knew, so classifying going home with strangers as more dangerous is just false.
Because most people are raped by people NOT their hookup. I can start citing studies if that proves my point better. The victim blaming came from that one comment, and of course like any online discussion it grew legs with additional comments added on by other people. So lets just leave it at that. Kristina June 19, , 9: I just wanted to throw this link out there.. CatsMeow June 19, , 9: And never on the men who rape.
Would a man be judged as severely for going home with a strange woman he met at a bar? Would a gay man be judged as severely for going home with a strange man he just met? And society as a whole condones and tolerates it. It ALL went back on her. What else might someone say?
Yeah, people say that all the time. LadyinPurpleNotRed June 19, , In the real world men get applauded for taking strange women home from a bar and from what my gay friends tell me… They do too. Hot chicks loosen lips in more ways than one….
Savannah June 20, , 3: Kristina June 19, , 7: When I saw this comment earlier, I thought it was completely asinine. And as someone who has been raped and sexually abused many times, it blows my mind to see some of the reactions on here and that people think that some level of victim-shaming is okay. In fact, nearly 9 times out of 10, the rapist is NOT a stranger. Leroy June 19, , The ads on Craigslist casual encounters are definitely creepy and pathetic.
GertietheDino June 19, , Morgan June 19, , I think his rationalization for his behavior might actually piss me off more than the behavior itself. He has no remorse. Bossy Italian Wife June 19, , The sad fact is that you love and trust your husband SO much that you are buying the load of crap he is trying to feed you.
Divorce is an ugly thing, and I loath to recommend it, but Wendy is right. Print out those emails, take them to a lawyer and take his sorry ass to the cleaners. He can look at whatever he wants. He can also have sex with whomever he wants. His reaction to your confrontation is manipulation pure and simple.
Your husband needs a serious attitude adjustment in order for this marriage to survive. Hope it works out. Amanda June 19, , This is great advice! If your husband is unwilling to go, then I would begin preparing for divorce. Has your husband always been so disrespectful towards you, or is this a more recent development? If he has always treated you poorly, I would recommend that you get some private counseling to figure out why you allow yourself to be treated this way.
Where is your self respect? I fully believe that a marriage where cheating or borderline cheating has occurred can be saved. It is hard, of course, but I like to believe in forgiveness and healing. I like to believe that love can overcome. But, where one partner refuses to admit wrongdoing when it is plain as day!
She should try it- you both are right. I just doubt that this guy wants to make changes or even cares to put in effort for his marriage. All signs point to hopeless. Yeah, the fact he never felt bad about what he did is a big fat red flag. He was more pissed he was caught than actually upsetting his wife at least it sounds that way. Rachel June 19, , There are clearly problems with their communication and respect.
Counseling is a necessity if she wants to save this marriage. Not my high school kids, my middle school kids. The ones who throw tantrums and steal my candy. Also, get tested for everything. Pinky June 19, , MarkD June 19, , It does sound like the LW is married to a sociopath. Fabelle June 19, , And understanding that there are consequences— or at least drawbacks— if you do not.
Yes, I agree on the sociopath idea. They have no remorse or true emotions. Looking to cheat is cheating. You should really consider whether or not it even matters, because he clearly has no respect for your monogamous relationship. Kristina June 19, , If you stay with him, it makes you both idiots.
You seem almost oblivious to the situation, as if you should actually believe that nothing is happening—but he already crossed the line and showed an utter lack of respect for you. Accept what has happened, and make a decision based on what you want and expect from a relationship, instead of trying to tell yourself that you should just believe your husband.
LW, please listen to Wendy. This man sounds like a real ass. This really should be a no-brainer, even 6 years in. Dump his lying ass. Grilledcheesecalliope June 19, , Your husband is a grown ass douche, kick him out! Just kidding butreally, kick him out! Tracey June 19, , 1: MJ June 19, , 1: I was waiting for you to come blame the woman! That said, NONE of my sexually satisfied friends have ever resorted to Craigslist… The sexually frustrated and disappointed ones? Although all of them have complained that the actual hook up rate there is like nine times out of a , tops… And looking through the ads there are people who really do just want to watch….
I feel like if people take more ownership of their wants and desires early on, and then cultivate relationships where they are free to talk about their wants and needs this will be less of an issue. One I firmly support! That is a huge incompatibility and for people to just stuff that inside thinking they can deal with it usually ends up in worse situations than the other parties friends finding you shallow for dumping their friend over a lack of sex….
Libidos under normal circumstances should be a match on average over the life time of the relationship. I agree that matching libidos is a huge issue. Its ok to break up over sexual differences. It absolutely is a MOA situation.
Sorry I like sex more than once every two weeks? And that once every two weeks was a chore for her…. Lili June 19, , 3: MJ June 19, , 3: Yeah, totally a legit reason to break up. That sort of libido mismatch is going to doom any relationship.
Roxy84 June 19, , 3: Perfectly sound reason to break up. Neither party wants that, really. Caris June 19, , 7: Anna June 20, , 4: And the more out there it is the harder it is to tell someone that you really want to respect you about it, and the greater the potential it could have a negative impact on your overall life. Say for example a guy secretly wanted his wife to do him with a strap-on one of the kinkest things I could think of at the moment.
But Brad, if thats his kink he should be with someone who is open to it. Its only embarrassing if she reacts really negatively, but that means he should MOA. Lemme dig up the savage love podcast where Dan goes OFF on the callers judgey gf…. If the spouse is NOT interested in fulfilling the kink, the couple needs to talk about what avenues are ok to explore.
Its a part of being open and in love with a person. Accepting all parts of them. At least, thats how I view love and a life long relationship. Brad June 19, , 3: He might never find someone open to it if he did or risky getting a reputation getting back to his job for example. Just look at those poor teachers, for example, that have gotten fired just because someone with a grudge?
Using a different example, a friend of mine broke up with a woman almost 2 years ago now and he was with for a LONG time 8 years? Not exactly something I think would be fair to expect a person to divulge early on. Some fetishes are in my opinion in a catch 22 category. It was one of the main reasons they broke up. Well, citing Dan Savage again, the best way to roll out your kinks is early and also positively. I mean he was open and honest with me about something he enjoys sexually, its my job as his partner to consider without any judgment doing something that pleases him.
Seriously though, do you all NOT listen to savage love podcast? It should be mandatory for ALL sexually active adults. Brad June 19, , 7: And the confidence to move on from partners who shame you for it. I was just trying to raise the point that not everyone is comfortable discussing their darkest fantasies with people that are relatively new in their lives. There is a certain comfort level that has to be reached, and that level is different for everyone. Education might help some, but there are a whole plethora of other factors that could hold someone back.
A job being an easy example. Not to say that your friend was in the wrong for it being a deal-breaker, Brad. Just basically just disappeared on him. He says going back that maybe he should have done it to her heh. No, its not easy. And boy am I feeling more disillusioned about relationships now because I want complete an utter honesty and openness with my partner from the get go.
Oh and SATC had a pee fetish episode actually it featured roger from mad men her question for him in trying to meet it was—can i pour tea on your leg..
So see, its made its way through pop culture. KK would have literally eaten shit to be famous, I think. Which is ironic as all of america, if not the world, now eats up all the shit she puts out….
Yeah, you really DO need to bring out your kinks early on. Maybe not on a first date, but if you have a kink— and an inkling that it may not be well-received— mention it.
I mean, how is that supposed to improve their sex life for the better? I do agree that individuals have a responsibility to satisfy their partners. One wrong does not justify the wrong of another. Lets go to the gay pride parade together ele4phant! I heard it was great. For all we know this has come up hundreds of times in their relationship… Hey, if I was penning a letter to DW where I wanted everybody to take my side and boy, did you!
I would be damn well sure NOT to mention that my husband and I had a lousy sex life. Yes, curiously, in a letter where the main problem is extramarital sex, we coincidentally know nothing about their sexlife… Instead, all we know is that he is responding to Craigslist ads, and that he is doing precious little to hide that fact — which is of course a bold message in and of itself. Even then, she still appears to be too dense to comprehend his meaning…. And it drives me NUTS that the bad behavior of one person can somehow justify the bad behavior of another.
And if its maybe not about cheating or being unsatisfied, but if this is a kink of his, well the same protocol applies. But she IS doing precisely that. I think it is a big assumption to say he actually did talk to her about this. My comment meant he was right about both sides of the argument projecting, not his overall opinion. It is just as much as assumption to assume their was no conversation as it is to assume their was.
Lili June 19, , 4: Speculation is natural, but when advice follows the speculation…then it gets tricky. I mean, person A still deserves to be in the shit, but if person B reciprocated, well so do they. CatsMeow June 19, , 4: Assume they talked a thousand times! One thing they obviously did NOT talk about was whether or not it was oK for him to seek casual encounters on Craigslist.
When she found out, she was surprised. Now, if she decides she IS ok with it, then they can negotiate the terms and the rules. I see your point about how the letter was phrased and worded. BUT all I can really comment on it is he breached her trust and his marital vows by going on CL with that intention.
That is not right, he violated her trust and their commitment vows. Then he was dismissive of her it seems, so if she wants support in leaving him, she has it. Now, he should call DS and ask him how to be more forthcoming about his kinks. He dumped his girlfriend and HE was the Bad Guy! He was the horrible beast that actually wanted sex. He should have been more sensitive to her and her meager rejection-laden needs…. You have no proof that she froze him out sexually.
Which is why Dan Savage would say that he needs more information and he would probably mutter that this letter was perhaps on of the most deliberately misleading that he has received in a long, long time… To write in with a sexual problem as loaded as infidelity and not provide ANY of the pertinent details is in and of itself very telling…. And whatever the issue is, it appears to be chronic. So, he would completely be justified in leaving.
I still say that letter is the most selfserving one yet. Now go dump your husband and set him free…. I like you BGM, and I appreciate your different perspective. But comments like this make you lose all semblance of credibility in my mind.
Funny though, people only seem to notice the lapse in logic in my post… although that could be because I take a more radical point of view with this letter. But I still very much doubt that somebody who is just thrilled with his sexlife is acting out on craigslist. DMR June 20, , 6: Come and find out! I mean its not til Sunday. Thats plenty of time to get up north: No, I cannot go. Somehow I thought it was very down the line. I love summer here.